Chris Rock: "I drink champagne in the hood, I drink champagne with Tiger Woods! Tiger Woods yall, Tiger Woods yall."

“A man is only as faithful as his options.”

- Chris Rock

OMG, did you hear about Tiger Woods?

Dude was creepin’ on his supermodel wife.

On the DL wit like 30 chicks! Including a waitress at a wafflehouse.

This is such a huge story. Biggest news story of all time! LOL.

Screw depression 2.0. Record unemployment numbers. Death totals in Iraq. That’s sooo last administration.

The Twitter generation only cares about the details of Tiger’s affairs! We demand to know the juicy, juicy details. We want hookers on the record. We want to stalk his wife and kid’s every next move, via Sky 9 helicam!

Ugh. More like helluva sham.

Wide World of Cheaters

A cheating superstar athlete. Who woulda thought?

Let’s see: how about some of the greatest athletes we’ve ever known: Muhammad Ali, Barry Bonds, Alex “StrayRod” Rodriguez, Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Shaq, Kobe Bryant, thousands of others I’m forgetting about, all reportedly cheated on their wives. But look at their Wikipedia profiles and you’re lucky to locate a paragraph about their extra marital affairs (Kobe being an exception because of the rape charge, and attention that came with that since he was going to court and playing on the same days).

So why is Tiger’s personal business and offseason exploits such a big deal that CNN has it on a loop today?

If it’s because one of the best athletes of our generation is not competing right now, fine. He’s yet to miss a major, so it’s overboard, but I guess with the initial accident and weirdness that went on there, there’s a news-of-weird-slash-public-figure-icon factor there.

But this overboard coverage, headlining the front page and the covers of the tabloids, rather than the Sports Section, is also contributing to the problem. Now ESPN has to cover the gutter stories because TMZ is reporting it. And TMZ got it from some skank blogger who probably never interviewed an actual person in their life, but who cares. This is Twitter Nation. Everyone has a voice, an opinion, who cares about the legitimacy or newsworthiness of these reports?

Now you could argue the reports are as guilty at keeping him off the course as his off-the-course issues.

If I couldn’t turn on the TV or computer without seeing my personal sludge spewed all over the place, I wouldn’t return to the sport either, let alone make a public appearance. You’re a billionaire, you don’t need the money, or the fame, or the fans. You need your family, so that’s why he was nowhere to be found the past few months. He’s been handling his business on the homefront. Not “strategizing” his comeback or all the crap the talking heads have been yaking about all day.

Color Me Bad

So today’s “press conference” was more than just an apology to his moms (how brutal was it to see her squirming in the front row), it was an apology to his sponsors in an attempt to ensure his grandchildren’s grandchildren’s grandchildren’s granchildren’s kids would remain millionaires, but part of me wonders if he’d be in this same predicament had he played another sport.

Yeah, I guess I’m going there. I wonder how much of this is being blown up because he’s (gulp, here comes the card) playing what is essentially a whiteman’s game.  Time to bash, bash, bash, bash, make sure he never becomes a role model again.

In the meantime, we’ll bury stories such as: I dunno: recent rape accusations against 2007 Hall of Famers Michael Irvin: who is also married by the way.

This just in: superstar athletes, rockstars, heck, even most of our presidents, were cheaters.

Let’s get over it, stop putting these dudes up on pedestals. See them for what they are, great athletes. Not great people. They play sports well. Nobody ever said they go about life the right way.

Heck, maybe we’ll even learn a life lesson or two from this. You can have all the money and power in the world, but if you screw up your life, screw over your wife, you’ll have nothing when it comes down to it.

Dude screwed up, royally. He doesn’t deserve to have his wife take him back. But he also doesn’t deserve to be crucified by a country with a 50% divorce rate.

All of us have our flaws, especially our million-dollar athletes. Time to move on and worry about something of consequence, like, I don’t know, war, poverty, pollution, racism: and blown-out surf and Kobe’s ankle.