I mean, seriously. It’s like the one sport in the world that’s actually more boring than soccer. Because at least in soccer, there’s the occasional fight, except — as with everything in soccer — you can’t use your hands.

I know there’s a good sex joke there somewhere, but I’m at a loss right now.

Let me get back to you on that.

Anyway, I was thinking about how boring cycling is the other day when a profound thought invaded my brain: Nobody would give a rat’s about cycling today had Lance Armstrong never gotten cancer.

Okay, I know — you think I’m a jerk. Join the club. Even I think I’m a jerk. In fact, at this very moment I’m fantasizing about head butting myself on a soccer field. But hear me out.

Had anyone really heard of — not to mention given a crap — about cycling before the story about Armstrong having cancer? Because, you know, he won his first Tour de France in 1993 — not that anyone knew about it. But then in the late 90s, everyone started wearing those yellow bracelets, and I was like: “Hey, what’s up with the yellow bracelet?” And then someone else was like, “It’s Lance Armstrong’s thing.” And then I was like, “The astronaut dude from the moon?” and the other person was like, “No, man — the cyclist who won Tour de France.”

Now before I’d ever heard of Lance Armstrong, my knowledge of cycling was limited to the movie “Breaking Away,” which, incidentally, was filmed in my former hometown, Bloomington, Indiana. (And, NO, I do not know Bob Knight, tip cows or play banjo.*) Pretty good flick, I must say. Holds up over time, too.

Anyway, so suddenly, everyone’s wearing yellow bracelets and talking about Lance Armstrong. As they should. Because it was a great inspiration — the dude was given a 1 percent chance of living. And while the ordeal did cost him half his cojones, Hollywood hotties don’t seem to mind. (My guess: prosthetics.)

But then suddenly people are actually watching bicycling, and I’m like: “Get real.”

It’s kind of like those dorks who watch World Cup soccer just because Europeans watch it, and they want to be like them. Except, I guess, no one really wants to be like Lance Armstrong if it entails getting cancer.

Anyway, my point is, ah . . .

I’m not sure, really.

Cancer sucks?

No, wait — I think it had something to do with Sheryl Crow. Or that dude who played Mooch from “Breaking Away.”

Ah, crap. Nevermind. I shoulda never started this post to begin with. Sorry, Slim. Next time I’ll write about Joe Torre.

* Okay, I admit — I DO have a banjo.