BG's Fan Fiction: Rihanna Goes to a Dodger Game

Next she clicked on Ashleigh Simpson’s profile and Ashleigh had posted new pictures of her baby.  Gross!  Rihanna didn’t like babies at all and she defriended Ashleigh.  ”Boo yah, how you like me now!”  She yelled at her macbook.  She looked at her status page and updated it to FEELING FIESTY RIGHT NOW!!!!!!1 and looked over at her Relationship Status (In a Relationship, it read) and heaved a lusty sigh.  As if on cue she got an IM from her boyfriend, Matt Kemp.  Their exchange went like this:

Matt Kemp27: Whrere you at????  Been tweetin you all day!!

UmbrellaGirl: Just chillin around da house.  Can’t find phone, LOL

MattKemp27: Whut??  The gold one I bought you?

UmbrellaGirl: Yup.  Ca’nt find it!!1

MattKemp27: I wish you wouldn’t put the smiley face after something that is not funny

UmbrellaGirl: Whateva!

MattKemp27: Well, gotta go, have 2 get 2 stadium for the game tonight.

UmbrellaGirl: TTYL!

“Phew!”  Rihanna thought to herself, “That was fun.  I should surprise Matty at the game tonight.”  With that she threw herself into action, which involved first taking a nap, followed by her second bath of the day.  Once she was properly toweled off she tried on fourteen different outfits before settling on an ostrich skin skirt which extended just past her vagina.  Sure, it was a little longer than she would have liked but it was a night game and it would probably be cold so it was perfect!  She went downstairs and summoned her PA to arrange for a car to take her to Chavez Ravine.  Rihanna never drove anywhere because sometimes when she was out she liked to get wasted and she didn’t want to end up like her close friend LiLo and have to wear the alcohol anklet thing, unless they had some that came in animal print, then she would consider it.

The car arrived later than expected and took her into the stadium in the middle of the second inning.  She made her way down towards the box seats and waived at Larry King as she walked past.  ”Hi Larry!”  She shouted.  She continued on through the crowd and gave the stink-eye to Jon Lovitz and hissed, “Deadbeat!” Rihanna had to kick some kids out of her seats who had moved down into her section; “Shoo!  Shoo!”  She said, flicking them away while she stuffed a mustard covered pretzel into her mouth.  Matt Kemp stepped out of the dugout and walked to the ondeck circle.  ”Go Matty!”  Rihanna screamed at the top of her lungs, spraying the couple in front of her with bits of pretzel.  Matt Kemp looked over his shoulder and gave a sheepish grin of surprise.  The last game she had been to was at the end of last year and had been a bit of a disaster.  She had thrown a fit when she wasn’t allowed to sing the National Anthem and another fit when she was denied Take Me Out to the Ball Game and it wasn’t until Jonathan Silverman gave her a stern talking to near the All You Can Eat Right Field Pavilion that she calmed down.

Rihanna sure was thirsty after demolishing the pretzel so she decided to get up and get a Mountain Dew Code Red before Matty’s at-bat but while she was waiting in line (why were the lines always so slow???) she heard the PA Announcer drone, “Now batting for the Dodgers, centerfielder, number 27, Matt Kemp!”  Rihanna was torn.  One one hand, she wanted to watch her BF hit, but on the other:Code Red.  After five seconds of internal debate she went with the only option that made sense, and waited several more minutes for the Code Red.  Returning to her seat she spied Matty standing on first base and turned to the hated Jon Lovitz to ask how her man had reached.  ”What do I look like, an internet?  Do I look like an internet to you?  Do I?”  Lovitz went back to eating his Itz-Itz.  Rihanna hated Lovitz now even more than she did before but she still needed to know how Kemp had reached so she shouted over to him, “Matty!  Matty how did you get on base!  I was getting a Code Red and I missed it, how did you reach??”  If Kemp heard her cries he gave no indication as he danced off of first base, reading each subtle move of the pitcher.  Rihanna didn’t like the feeling of being ignored and she needed a plan to get his attention.  Rihanna was known for many things and having incredibly thought out and well orchestrated plans was definitely one of them.  Finally, on a 2-1 count, he broke towards second base, head down, arms pumping.  ”Matty!”  Rihanna screamed again as Kemp was midway between the bags.  ”Matty I’m pregnant!”  She knew that would get his attention.  This time she was sure he heard her as he broke stride and slowed a touch before starting his headfirst slide directly into the awaiting tag.  ”Out!”  Screamed the umpire, “Boo!” yelled the crowd.

Rihanna stood and smiled brightly at Kemp as he slowly trotted back to the dugout, a look of horror on his face.  ”JK!”  Rihanna yelled.  ”JK, Matty!  I just wanted to know, how did you get on base?  Did you get a hit?”

Kemp ignored her and walked down the steps, out of view.  Rihanna sat back down and glumly returned her attention to her frozen lemonade (her second of the day).  ”Hey Kemp, you suck!”  Someone behind her shouted.  Rihanna wanted to stand up for her man but she didn’t know what to think.  Did he suck?  He had just been thrown out, maybe he did suck?  Who knew.  Certainly not her.  Ned Colletti thought he sucked, maybe he did.  She decided to get another Code Red and head to the exits.  Lovitz tried to intentionally spill his beer on her on the way out but she deftly avoided his sloshing cup and proceeded back up the aisle.  ”Hey Rihanna, you suck!”  Someone else yelled.  ”Boo!”  Said another.  Rihanna hated Dodger Stadium.  It was the worst.  She was never coming here again, she told herself.  She ordered her driver to take her to wherever Eve was and they headed south onto the 5, merging seamlessly into the traffic.