Fit for a King: We're not worthy of King James' swampy sweats

Editor’s note: This is the first of an occasional series where highlights a jerk move by one of your favorite prima donnas. This week, we shine the light on King Jerk, we mean James, for his disrespect of a poor ballboy on Sunday:

So Ryantific, myself and couple friends have had this never-ending Kobe vs. LeBron debate, trying to figure out who we’d rather have as our teammate: in the unlikely event that we had any hoops skills and were fortunate enough to land in the NBA.

As great as Kobe Bryant has been for the Lakers, there’s just something about him that rubs even many Lakers fans the wrong way.

Maybe it was the whole running Shaq out of town thing. Or driving Phil Jackson up to Big Sky Country that one year. Or the whole Bynum should be traded in the parking lot talk.  Or the sexual assault charges.

But Kobe can come off as, I don’t know, a little cocky from time to time? And that turns off a lot of people: even his teammates and own coach sometimes (as you could see by Phil’s expressions tonight: and that was with a 20-point lead).

LeBron, however, always had a different kind of swagger in my eyes: and was more confident than cocky. Always joking around with teammates. Fooling around and taking fake pictures and crap with them during introductions.

LeBron James disrespects ballboy

Don't touch The King's swampy sweats!

But I’m starting to think all of that was just a front.

Maybe it’s the pessimist in me, or the sportswriter who spent a decade in locker rooms seeing another side of sports that many don’t, who thinks LeBron really isn’t that much different than Kobe.

For a guy who’s never won a championship, he’s probably the cockiest guy on the planet.

He’s also a freak, and probably the most dominant player – outside of Shaq in his prime – we’ve seen in any sport. Dude is built like an NFL defensive end, but balances that bulk and raw strength with the athleticism and finesse of a Michael Jordan.

Some of the stuff he does doesn’t seem humanly possible, which is why he’s been dubbed “The King.”

It’s also why he talks about himself in the third person, and why he pulls crap like he does in this video: purposefully chucking his warm-ups to the floor (three different times, including a pump fake!) so the poor ballboy has to repeatedly pick up his sweaty gear.

Who does that? LeBron does.

The same guy who refused to take a shot and pick up his fallen teammate at the end of the first quarter Sunday when Mo Williams dared to take a last-second shot without passing it to The King. How dare he?

Dude is bigger than life, and no longer interacts with the peasants, not to mention his own noblemen. So Mr. Ballboy, next time you try to help LeBron out and take those swampy sweats off his hands, just bow down and thank your lucky pit stains you have an opportunity to touch the chosen one’s damp drawers.

Because you and I both know your days of soaking up LeBron’s soiled linens are numbered.

It’s only a matter of time before the Cavs fall short again, and we all witness his great escape to New York.

Let’s just hope the Knickerbocker peasants are equipped with a proper golden throne, giant fanning feathers and baskets of ripe green grapes when The King brings his crown to town. They’re going to need all “the help” they can get.

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