Fantasy Football: Burns So Good.
With a 2-year-old taking up most of my time on the weekends, and another one on the way, I’m seriously considering retiring from fantasy football this year.
Then again, I could just pull a Brett “Flip-Flop” Favre and find myself starring in one of the three fantasy drafts my friends are talking me into this weekend.
But, after struggling to find a running game, or a passing game for that matter, the past couple of years, I don’t know if I have Favre’s kinda heart this year.
Add in all that Favre, Michael Vick and Plaxico Burress drama, and I’m actually starting to get sick of football already, which is blasphemous I know.
In fact, the only thing that usually gets me through an entire season of fantasy is bagging on my players on this blog (BG does this very well, too), and changing my team name at least once a week to reflect how lame NFLers can be.
For example, in 2005 I named my team the Whizzinator Warriors after Minnesota Vikings RB Onterrio Smith got busted at the airport with the infamous “Whizzinator” – a fake penis contraption that was designed to help dopers pass drug tests but backfires and puts your dumb ass in the news and on waivers more often than not.
So this year, I’m definitely not playing unless I come up with a good name. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far. Vote on your favorite in the poll at right, and I’ll pick that name if I decide to play:
- Whizzinator Warriors 5.0 – A throwback in honor of the Smith, actor Tom Sizemore, bodybuilder George Spellwin and American Gladiator Jonathan Byrne, all of whom have been busted with the Whiz.
- Favre from Good – Speaking of the Vikings, people can’t seriously be considering Favre as a starting fantasy quarterback this season, can they? My first thought was Favre’s Flip-Flops, then I saw everyone on the Web already lists that one. 40-year-old Viking is pretty good, too.
- Philly Beagles – Yeah, I’m sure the Vick angle will get beat to death (no pun intended, again) this year, too. But I’m still pissed Michael Vick went to my Philadelphia Eagles, and is just waiting for my boy Donovan McNabb to go down. Freaking brutal. I hope Donavan has an MVP year and never once leaves the field: unless it’s on his team’s shoulders after the Super Bowl. Has anyone suggested the ConVicks yet?
- Bust a Cap in dat: Kneecap? – I know, Burress shot himself in the thigh, but it’s not like anyone’s going to remember exactly where he got shot the next time we see him on the field. How do you shoot yourself in the leg? And go to jail for two years for doing it? Didn’t Plax learn anything from Cheddar Bob in 8 Mile. Maybe that should be my team’s name: Cheddar Burress. If only he played in Green Bay. Cheese Head Burress has a nice ring to it … but nobody but me and Slim Shady would get it.
- T.O.B.A.S.S.C.O. (Terrell Owens Be an ASS Co.) – As a Philly fan, this one has a special place in my heart (some might call it heartburn), and it’s my early favorite.
- Team CrabFree! – Man, the 49ers are going to suck this year, again.: And I’m starting to feel really bad about getting our boy Beau C 49ers’ home opener tickets as a wedding gift, but what are you going to do?: When they sign Crabtree, I guess you could always change the name to We Got Crabs!
- Droppin’ Deuce – Yeah, these are getting cruder by the second. But that’s fantasy football for you. I have to admit, I’m still surprised Deuce McAllister is still looking for a home.
Don’t like any of these? Offer up your suggestions in the comments section, and I’ll consider ‘em. In fact, if they’re original, I use it, and if I win my league, I’ll give you a portion of the winnings.
UPDATE 8/23: So I decided to go with Team T.O.B.A.S.S.C.O — Terrell Owens Be an Ass, Same Said for Chad Ochocinco. Word.
