What Would Jesus Do … Against Kobe Bryant?

Yeah, WCBias has hit an all-time low. Way low. Like down where the flames be.
Yep, WCBias hits an all-time low. Way low. Like down where the flames be.

And you thought Kobe vs. LeBron would be the showdown of the millennium. Think again.

Los Angeles Laker guard Kobe Bryant, who has scored 500 points in these playoffs, was so dominant in tonight’s Game 6 victory that Denver Thuggish Ruggish Nuggets coach George Karl admitted The Almighty would’ve had a hard tough time keeping No. 24 in front of him:

“I think Jesus would have had trouble covering him,” Karl said after dropping the series 4-2.

So, we here at WCBias.com were left wondering, what would happen if Kobe Bryant played a little one-on-one with Jesus? Yeah, we’re going there. First team to 11 wins:

  • Jesus wears freaking hemp sandals. How in the Lord’s name is he going to guard Kobe and his $150 kicks. Kobe with the tomahawk dunk, takes an early 2-0 lead as Jack Nicholson screams, “Heeere’s Kobe!”
  • On the next possession, it becomes clear Jesus has the power of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit on his side. Taking on double teams is one thing. Four-on-1 is too much to handle for Kobe. Jesus makes the extra pass, ties it up 2-2 on a reverse layup by the Holy Spirit.
  • Jesus is just over 6-foot, and while he’s strong on the inside, he doesn’t have the all-around skill set that Kobe does. Kobe’s jay is also a lot smoother than Jesus. Kobe goes up 5-2 on the fade-away three.
  • That old basketball cliché, the “Basketball Gods weren’t with us today?” Yeah, doesn’t apply to JC, because the Globetrotter Gods made sure Jesus’ big three from the corner hit nothing but net. Tied 5-5.
  • Kobe claims to be a God-fearing man, but “the best closer in the game” has never showed much mercy. Facial on the bearded one: Kobe 7, Jesus 5.
  • Kobe, with his angel halo tattoo of the wifey on his arm, uses that “higher power” to swat Jesus’ next layup: despite the fact that it was clearly above the cylinder. Unfortunately for Jesus, Joe Crawford was calling the game. Kobe quickly clears the ball beyond the three-point arc and hits the trey. Kobe 10, Jesus 5. Game point, Bryant.
  • Just when you thought it was over, Christ is resurrected (Where will amazing happen this year?) and wields his flaming sword, slicing through the lane with a left-handed finger-roll and cutting the deficit to 10-7.
  • Kobe, still upset over the goal-tending call, takes it straight to the rim on his next possession, bowling over Jesus and banking home a layup off the glass. Jesus, who initially appeared to be in the restricted area, was actually hovering above the arc on the replay – as if walking on water – and Tim Donaghy overrules Crawford to wipe off the basket.
  • WWJD? Well, he’d dribble right, do a Skip-To-My-Lou cross-over to his left, bounce the rock off Kobe’s fat forehead and turn the “OH BABY!!!” dish into an And-One, 360-degree alley-oop to himself. Jesus “Hot Sauce” Christ ties it up 10-10, all by his lonesome. Who needs the Father, Son and Holy Spirit?
  • With the game on the line, Kobe yo-yos up and down to run out the shotclock. Jesus double-takes after noticing an angel-like figure to his left, caught off guard by what appears to be Chick Hearn’s Buddha-like spirit — calling the game for KCAL Cloud 9 TV.

“The mustard’s off the hotdog,” Chick laughs as Kobe dribbles ’round his back and cuts toward the lane.

“This game’s in the refrigerator,” Chick continued to Jesus’ amazement. “The door is closed, the lights are out, the eggs are cooling, the butter’s getting hard, and the Jell-O’s jigglin’!”Jesus initially thinks to himself, “WTF, this game isn’t over: ,” but is reminded by the K-Martesk John 3:16 tattoo on his right forearm that “whosoever believeth in (me) should not perish, but have everlasting life” and also have the ability to dunk on his sacred face – which Kobe does, screaming, “What would Kobe do, m()+h@f()ck@!”

Well, KWWD (Kobe Would Win, Dude), 12-10.

Now, on to The Finals, where the Kobe and Lakers will hopefully be facing the other “Chosen One.”

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5 Responses to What Would Jesus Do … Against Kobe Bryant?

  1. Ryantific says:

    Wow. There goes half of our readership… so like 10 or 12 people.

  2. Banana Boarder says:

    This brings forth many questions:

    1.) What number does Jesus wear?
    2.) Is holy water a performance enhancing drug?
    3.) Whom does Jesus thank after the game?
    4.) If Kobe shouts “Jesus Christ!” after a bad call, does Jesus say, “Yes?”
    5.) Are Jesus’s hardcore fans known as the Jesus Freaks?

  3. Michael Burrell says:

    Blasphemy! This is not funny at all!

  4. Anonymous says:

    Is Jesus Play Kobe It Would Be Like Kobeee 000000000000000 ——— Jesus 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 pts

  5. 213 Dreamin says:

    Thats funny, lol.. And very well thought out. lol..