Sometimes, like that Walter Mitty dude, I pretend I’m someone else.
Like maybe I’m a succesful novelist, who tours the country on a book tour. Or maybe I’m a drummer in a famous band. Or a better surfer.
And, of course, I often envision myself as a baseball player. Because, you know — I’m kinda lame.
Except the results aren’t always good. Like sometimes I picture being on the mound and getting drilled by a liner, like this poor slob. It’s times like these that I think about guys I wouldn’t want to pitch to. Or, put another way, Guys Most Likely To Drill You In the Head. Here are my top five:
5.) David Ortiz, Red Rox. This guy is like the old Mighty Casey character. He’s so big, he wields the bat like a twig. Which is why infielders play him in the outfield. He’s probably not in his prime now, but if I were pitching to him, I’d wear a helmet.
4.) Carlos Quentin, White Sox. Pitchers should be allowed to wear a catcher’s mask when this guy steps into the box. Already he’s got seven dingers.
3.) Vladimir Guerrero, Angels. One of the best clutch hitters in the game, seldom does he not get good wood — and I mean that in a purely non-innuendo way. (Sort of.)
2.) Manny Ramirez, Dodgers. If I were pitching against Manny, I do like softball pitchers: As soon as I released the ball, I’d start backing up.
1.) Albert Pujols, Cardinals. You know how batters do the holy cross before they step into the batter’s box? Yeah. I’d be doing that before every pitch to Pujols. In fact, I might even ask him to please hit the ball in the air. If it sailed out of the park, so be it.
